With Halloween coming up this weekend, it is the perfect time to sit back and reflect on all those Halloween’s of past. The brisk fall nights when we went door to door with our friends and the end result was average to above-average disappointment.
That’s right, most of our Halloween’s sucked. Unless you were a yuppy kid who only had to hit one street because your rich neighbors were giving out the elusive full-sized candy bars. These kids didn’t even know what Fun Size candy bars were.
The rest of us got the normal stuff. The (always Fun Size) Skittles, Snickers, Twix, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, etc. I could go on and on. But for every piece of chocolatey, nougaty goodness we received, we probably got 2-3 items that wouldn’t be safe to give prisoners at Gitmo. Notice I said “items” and not “pieces of candy.” This wasn’t Yuppy Town, USA, folks. This was middle America where you gave out what you could afford…Or had in the pantry.
- There was always at least one asshole on your street giving out pennies. And I only pluralized that because he gave them to multiple children, NOT because he gave you more than one. Thanks a lot for the penny, it wasn’t even worth walking up your driveway. You know damn sure I cut through his bushes. IDGAF.
Good N’ Plenty
- Good N’ Plenty? More like Good N’ Throw This Shit Directly In The Trash Can. Actually, if you were quick enough, you would either be able to swat it away or say “no thank you.” There is not a sicker burn a kid can bestow upon an elder than POLITELY turning down their shitty candy.
- I said middle America. Were we slumming it so hard that we were teaching the kids the art of how to hold a cigarette at such an early age? Maybes were teaching them the art of hocking smokes for candy? Ya know, skills they could use in the joint. Then again, maybe we weren’t the only ones. Maybe Yuppy Town, USA gave them out too. Of course, if that were the case, we all know they would have been candy Cuban Cigars.
- Hey! Thanks for the apple, Mister! You know my parents have a pulse and there’s no way on God’s green earth they are going to let me eat this right? Welp, way to waste fruit, you unoriginal bastard. Go put some pants on.
Dental Floss / Toothbrush
- Ok, we get it. You’re a dentist. But I have a question, Dr. Tooth. Why aren’t you living in Yuppy Town, USA, giving out the good stuff? My best guess is you are a shitty dentist. You have 364-1/2 other days of the year to be a dry humored f–k face, can’t we have the hours from 5-7pm every October 31st?
- I guess M&M’s were out of your price range this year? I bet your the same person handing out Crackle Bars like they are Nestle Crunch Bars. I hope you have trouble sleeping every Halloween.
Wax Lips / Fangs
- How many people thought these were candy? Both DiNunz and I did. I know we can’t be alone. If they weren’t candy then why on earth were you giving them to us? To be funny? They were wax friggin’ lips. The only kids who thought these were funny were too young to walk and were carried in their parents Baby Bjorn who — and I’m spitballing here — probably fashioned it into some kind of clever Kangaroo/Joey costume. A Joey is a baby kangaroo, idiot.
- Take a minute and think of the last two ingredients you would want in a piece of candy. What did you come up with? If it was coconut and dark chocolate, you’re correct. Now imagine if they made a candy with ONLY those ingredients. Mounds met their maker with the Good N’ Plenty’s.
- I remember those hot summer days, playing with those big pieces of sidewalk chalk. What I don’t remember is hoping someone would slice them up into little wafers and try to pass them off as candy a few months later.
- Candy Corn. – The Shark Week Of Halloween. You see, everyone thinks candy corn is a staple of the holiday and it has to be around. Everyone just looooves their candy corn. It’s kind of like how every summer, every one gets half chubs for Discovery Channel’s Shark Week, but no one watches it. It’s just the cool thing to say you like. Candy corn is gross. Stop it.
- Honest to God, why was wax used so much when we were younger? This is another item that I was unaware wasn’t candy. I chomped down on these things almost every year and every time I immediately regretted it. It was too much work for a little bit of syrup that tasted like shit anyways.
- If you actually ate a popcorn ball you received as a Halloween “treat,” email me right now and I will send you a popcorn ball so you can eat your nostalgia-loving heart out. No one ate these. At best, you could give them to your grandparents. Grandparents loved that shit.
Generic Black and Orange Wrapped Candy
- I can’t say for sure if it was taffy or some kind of caramel. I also can’t say for sure if the person made it in their basement or not. I can, however, say for sure that one of these candies never got even remotely close to my mouth unless it was on accident as we would use them as ammo in candy fights.
- The big rage, from what I remember of the early 90’s, was the stories of people putting LSD on stickers so if kids put them on their skin they would start tripping out. I remember a specific story told at the third grade lunch table. It was pizza day, and like every other pizza day, I had chocolate milk. The story went that there was a kid that had put a laced sticker on and then went bananas and bit his moms nipple off. Clearly, we all believed this without question. The third grade lunch table was the internet of the 90’s. If you heard it there, it was true.
- Why the hell would you give me something that I could stab the neighbor giving out pennies with?
- These…were delicious. If only more than six came in a box, right? However they made this list because they were instant cement once they hit your molars. I think it would be easier to clean dried oatmeal from a bowl than get Dots out of your teeth. Come to think of it, maybe that quack dentist giving out floss and toothbrushes was on to something…
So what did we miss?