Enemies

Hipsters Are Getting Facial Hair Transplants Because Hipsters Are Stupid

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I’ve been on this planet for over 30 years and I have yet to see a hipster I didn’t want to smack with the book they undoubtedly had in their back pocket. Just the presence of a hipster and the odor of their clove cigarettes is enough to get me to strangle them with their any season scarf or shove their summer time beanie in their mouth.

Had enough of hipster cliches? How about one more?

The Hipster beard.

It is an integral part of a man’s journey to skinny jeans and hand me downs. Sure, the glasses with no lenses helps you meet the hipster criteria, but a beard that is equal parts fluffy and scratchy really pulls whatever ensemble you’re wearing from your late grandfathers closet together.

But what do you do if you have nailed down all the other parts of the hipster couture, even down to the kitten crew neck, and you cannot grow a luscious, fluffy-yet-scruffy, beard? Well, until now you would be shit out of luck.  But thanks to some plastic surgeons, who are probably setting up their future generations for life, you can now have that perfect hipster beard.

“Brooklyn is probably the nucleus of the trend, it’s the hipster ‘look’ guys want. If you have a spotty beard, and you let it grow out, it looks sloppy, ” said Dr. Jeffrey Epstein, a Midtown-based plastic surgeon.

“[Clients] want full beards because it’s a masculine look. Beards are an important male identifier,” he added.

Doctors in Hipster Central Brooklyn have seen the business of facial hair transplants take off recently. The patchy bearded hipster is now shelling out upwards of $8,500 to have the hairs taken from their ass and put on their face.

27 year old Danny, who somehow thought it was a good idea to talk to the New York Post, loves his face after his surgery. It has definitely saved him in the eyebrow pencil department, which he used to fill in the patchy spots of his non-hipster approved face blanket. And no, I’m not kidding.

“I have a baby face but now I’m able to look older. My fashion statement is a little edgy, and I do like the ‘rugged look,’” he said,

He added, “It’s one of the best investments I’ve ever made.”

You’re 27 years old Danny. I cannot honestly believe this is one of the best investments you have ever made. If your parents still talked to you or claimed you as their son, I’m sure they would agree with me.

Not every one will have to pay the $8,500 price tag, though. DFAinfo reports that you can get a simple fill, like I’m sure Danny did, for around $3,000.00.

See that? It’s like they’re paying you to put your pubes on your face.

I guess we can all just sit here and say ‘to each his own’ but honestly, this is just another piece of kindling that will keep the fiery hatred I have for hipster burning bright.

FYI, I got the picture above by Googling “Stupid hipster”. Thank you, internet.