Changes to team uniforms in sports have become serious news stories in recent weeks. From Maryland’s state flag themed home unis vs Miami to Nike’s new wave of Pro Combat unis (which are starting to get weirder and weirder from some schools, see Georgia and Ohio State) and the recent leak of a possible new (and disgusting) Florida Marlins logo, switching up your uniforms has become cooler than ever. Here is a list we put together of teams that will hopefully be making switches in the near future. We’re not going to suggest any changes, we aren’t graphic artists, we’re just going point out what stinks about their current situation.
First up are the Arizona Diamondbacks…or D-Backs as they are often referred to as. I certainly applauded Arizona for ditching the purple pinstripe vest look which always reminded me of that gang The Warriors but what I don’t understand is the organizational acceptance of shortening the name to… D-Backs. Diamondbacks is cool. Snakes are cool. Everytime I see, D-Backs, It sounds like D-bags. The Arizona D-Bags… And its not just a moniker used by fans and broadcasters, D-Backs is right on the uniforms. You’re in a pennant race, we can’t take you serious running around sliding in to second base and having a sandy D-Bag all over your chest…
The D-Bags were bad but so are the Tennessee Titans. In Greek mythology Titans were a race of powerful deities that ruled during the legendary Golden Age… Apparently in Tennessee they are some office supplies set a blaze. The logo resembles more of a flaming thumbtack then a powerful giant. They should have just stayed the Oilers in the first place because keeping their color scheme is just a tease. Besides, oil rigs have just as much to do with Nashville as Greek gods.
Next on the chopping block is the Oklahoma City Thunder, or more importantly, the group that came up with their logo. Now Thunder itself doesn’t offer much of visual and neither does the flat lands of Oklahoma for that matter, but the Thunder logo and uniform offers up about the same eye candy as a plain bagel with cream cheese. The logo looks like homework I used to rush to finish and turn in right before it was due. I can imagine the executives in charge of this scrambling to put something together right before the unveiling press conference…
Exec1 “We forgot about the damn logo!? It’s due today. Just throw a basketball inside a triangle then write out the city name inside.”
Exec2 “The press is here we have to go out there! They are waiting, we don’t have time to write out the whole name!”
Exec3 “Abbreviation! Abbreviate it!”
Exec2 “Good thinking”
Exec1 “Guys, this is looking kinda plain. Alright… Draw a couple wavy lines behind it and let’s go. This is at least a C”
Hockey isn’t safe either, Nashville Predators! Originally your logo looked like a disreguarded Voltron cat and then news came back in June that their would be a change. That big change? Yellow… The big change was bringing back the color yellow. Ok, we can live with that, but why not address the fact that your “predator” looks like a yawning jungle cat with a terrible overbite?
The New England Patriots might know a thing or two about football, but they don’t know shit about shit when it comes to a team logo. As a Dolphin fan I’ve come to the realization that we aren’t going to win the AFC East until Ugg Boots McDreamy Hair aka #12 retires and that’s fine…I’ll wait, but I couldn’t help but notice while they were driving up and down the field on us a couple Monday Nights ago, the Patriot logo is kind of stupid. The old logo is classic. Sure, it might look like a man of the revolution is trying to take a dump but I’m always glad to see it back once or twice a year. So what is the deal with the current logo? We’ll start with the face, to me it looks like the profile of the old McDonalds moon man, Mac Tonight and why does he look emo and sad? That was minor nitpicking, the real problem here is with what is going on behind this guys head. They wore some silly hats in colonial times but I haven’t seen anything like this on the History channel. Is it some sort Revolutionary mullet? Or perhaps a combination of the times? Colonial in the front, 21st century dreads in the back, mimicking that numerous players with dreads hanging out their helmets. Ultimately the entire thing looks very extra terrestrial to me.
Going back to basketball, the Charlotte Bobcats are puke worthy. Visually their has never been any thing good about the Bobcats since they came in to existence. The Logo, the team on the court, or Adam Morrison’s dirty stache. But you got Micheal Jordan, Charlotte, so I feel like its time this odd looking, side burn having, long foreheaded, ally cat gets dumped like you did with Morrison and his stache.
The last one on my list is the Los Angeles Clippers because…well…at this point, why the hell not? Something has got to help in the win column… While we are on the subject of looks…it should be noted that this franchise has run out the two ugliest players in the history of the NBA Sam Cassell and Chris Kaman, so they got that going for them. Sadly though, trimming the ugly off your roster is only one step of many. It’s time to get serious, LA, and act like you give a shit about a team that isn’t named the Lakers. It’s time for a change.
In addition to the aformentioned teams, how about we give you a little honorable mention?
Anaheim Ducks – Really? This is the logo you landed on? It looks more like a stealth bomber or some kind of disc a hipster would use to start a game you haven’t even heard about. You think this was Gordon Bombay’s dream? Hell no. You better shape up because right now, Hans is rolling over in his grave.
The Los Angeles Kings/Sacramento Kings – You’re both purple, you’re both on the west coast and you’re both completely irrelevant to your respective sports. Congratulations, at least you’re consistent. I think the best thing to do in this situation is to combine team rosters and sign Marshall Erikson from How I Met Your Mother as a player/coach. Why? Because his family created the sport “Bask-ice-ball”. This is your last chance for greatness and I’m not even sure you can come in first place even if you are the only team in the league.
Winnipeg Jets – Wait, does Canada even have an Air Force? You mean to tell me that Hartford didn’t want the Whalers back or Quebec was too good for the Nordiques? Both of their logos are way better than this pile of shit. There may have been less thinking and time put into this logo than the Oklahoma City Thunder. If they were smart, they would go back to the old school Jets logo, which I could be on board with.
Let us know who you think should be added to this list! Feel free to argue why a team should be left off as well!