At this juncture, we can kind of see the writing on the wall for some teams in the NFL. For instance, the Cincinnati Bengals are off to a hot 6-0 start and quieted the defending NFC champion Seattle Seahawks. They’ll probably make the playoffs. I say that not knowing who they play the rest of the season, but I know they still have to play the Cleveland Browns twice, so there’s at least two more wins for the total.
So I’ll put them at the top of this week’s rankings, just to piss off you Chowdah Heads in Bean Town.
OUT OF TOUCH!
1.) Cincinnati Bengals – Why the F not? They aren’t a dynasty. They are a bunch of convicts (or used to be). Just let them have this.
2.) Green Bay Packers – A-Aron Rodgers is the best thing since sliced cheese. He just threw his from interception at home in three years!
3.) New England Patriots – Something something Tom Brady. Something something feed Gronk. Something something Deflategate.
4.) Denver Broncos – Peyton Manning turned 63-years-old this season and has nerve damage. Let them win out of respect, goddamnit.
5.) Arizona Cardinals – That hat though.
6.) Carolina Panthers – Luke Kuechly is back this week. I heard that on the radio. So they’ll probably win.
7.) New York Jets – We all expected them to suck ass. They came out week one and smacked the Browns. So our opinion didn’t change. But they have looked solid since.
8.) Buffalo Bills – Listen to Moxie’s “Buffalo Bill” and tell me you don’t want the Bills to win a damn Super Bowl. It’s probably about drugs. Kids these days, amiright?
9.) New Orleans Saints – They just beat the Atlanta Falcons last night. So they are better than a 5-0 team and, in turn, are better than their 2-4 record.
10.) Atlanta Falcons – Suffered their first lost to the team above them who is clearly better than them because it just makes sense.
11.) New York Giants – We’re all just sitting around, waiting for Eli Manning to screw this up. Also, Victor Cruz hates calf muscles.
12.) Indianapolis Colts – What in the world is going on there? They are the worst 3-2 team I’ve ever seen.
13.) Seattle Seahawks – 2-3 means nothing. Everyone hates them and no one wants to see them win. So of course they will.
14.) Minnesota Vikings – Is Teddy Bridgewater their quarterback? Is Adrian Peterson their running back? I seriously know nothing about them.
15.) San Diego Chargers – They should be 3-2. They gave one away to the Steelers. Then again, the Browns gave them one. So maybe they should be 2-3? I have no idea what I’m doing.
16.) St. Louis Rams – They are just lying in the weeds, waiting to pounce. They’ll probably only beat the 49ers and Seahawks this season. Just like every other year.
17.) Oakland Raiders – Because Derek Carr is better than David and their fans scare the shit out of me.
18.) Dallas Cowboys – The only reason they are above the Philadelphia Eagles is because they benched Peyton Manning’s college roommate, Brandon Weeden.
19.) Philadelphia Eagles – Chip-Chip-Chip-adelphia. What a dumpster fire. Is Sam Bradford still their quarterback? Does he move like Mariota? They are going to be so pissed when Kelly takes the USC job.
20.) Chicago Bears – Is Jay Cutler healthy? I could make a comment about his wife here, but frankly, I’m afraid Katie Nolan will appear to twist my nipples and kick me in the junk if I do.
21.) Pittsburgh Steelers – Mike Vick is not the answer. Le’Veon Bell might be, though. But screw the Steelers. I want to hear those cry baby Shittsburgh fans complain about their ranking.
22.) Cleveland Browns – They are a last second FG and late interception away from being 4-1. They’re also an OT away from being 1-4. Oh Cleveland.
23.) Washington Redskins – Does Pierre Garcon still play for them? Is Colt McCoy their quarterback?
24.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Jameis Winston has thrown more interceptions than touchdowns. That’s a complete guess. Was I right? I bet I was right.
25.) Kansas City Chiefs – I would have put them higher, but all hope might be gone when you’re working out Ben Tate because Jamaal Charles has a noodle leg.
26.) Houston Texans – Does anyone else expect the team on HBO’s Hard Knocks to go undefeated? Maybe just show more of J.J. Watt on the Jugs machine?
27.) San Francisco 49ers – Do you spell Francisco right the first time? I almost never do. Same with Chiefs. Great googly-moogly.
28.) Tennessee Titans – Just give Marcus Mariota time. He got this.
29.) Baltimore Ravens – “Joe Flacco is an elite quarterback.”
30.) Jacksonville Jaguars – They have uniforms and everything.
31.) Miami Dolphins – “At least we’re not Detroit.”