The Mid-Summer Classic is right around the corner and, as always, ahead of the MLB All-Star Game is the Home Run Derby.
However, this year will be a bit different.
Instead of “outs” like in previous years, players will have five minutes to hit as many home runs as they can and could add bonus time if they can hit a deep home run. Also, they will be matched up head-to-head in a bracket style tournament. Personally, I think the derby will flow better and won’t allow for a 28 home run performance en route to a losing effort. cough Josh Hamilton cough.
Like we have done in the past, DiNunz and I have come up with a drinking game for the Home Run Derby that should get you significantly shitfaced. Warning: If you’re wearing socks, be prepared to have them completely knocked off.
- Whenever Pete Rose is shown or mentioned, anyone who had a terrible bowl hair cut as a child gets to PASS out 10 seconds. Because anyone who had that hair cut has taken enough.
- When Pete Rose is introduced to the hometown Reds fans, all players do a Waterfall for the duration of his standing ovation. As this is expected to be a long standing ovation if you finish your beer, you are required to do a head first Pete Rose Slide through the kitchen to get a new beer. Then you better hustle and get your ass back into the game. The man’s nickname was Charlie Hustle, so have some respect.
- While Joc Pederson was born in California, his name is French and because today is National French Fry day during his first at bat all drinkers must compete in a French fry eating contest. The loser of the contest must drink 8 seconds and loses their rights to sit on furniture. The loser has to now sit on the floor for the rest of the derby.
- When Anthony Rizzo is announced the letters R-I-Z-Z-O must be screamed out loud in the style of Frank Rizzo from Jerky Boys. Then all players will proceed to kill their beers. If a player is unfamiliar with Jerky Boys and asks why that was done, throw your empty beer bottles/cans at that person or persons and scream “Open your ears, Jackass!”
- If they show John Kruk eating, the first person to yell “Kruky” will give 10 seconds.
- When a players kid is shown, the first person to yell “spawn” gets to give 10 seconds out.
- Drink 1 second for every “back” Chris Berman uses when calling a home run. “Back-back-back-back-back-gone!” = 5 seconds.
- When Kris Bryant is shown, the first person to yell “Rookie Biotch” a la Rod Farva from Super Troopers will get to pick the new Rookie Biotch at the party. The Rookie Biotch will then have to drink his next beer with a bar of soap in it. He will also be the beer bitch. Repeat every time Bryant is shown (while not batting).
- If the Cincinnati Nasty Boys (Norm Charlton, Rob Dibble, Randy Meyers) are shown, the two fattest people at the party get to stick their arm pits in another drinkers face while they chug for 5 seconds. Think the WWF Nasty Boys tag team signature “Pit Stop” move.
- If Chris Sabo or his sweet rec-specs are shown or mentioned, anyone with corrective lenses will drink 10 seconds.
- If Bengals legend Icky Woods is shown, the first person to yell “cold cuts” gets to pick someone to do the Icky Shuffle. While they are doing it, the person must also chug their beer while everyone else chants “get some cold cuts, get some cold cuts.”
- Any mention of Skyline Chili will result in a shotgunning of beers. Loser becomes the beer bitch. If said loser is already Rookie Biotch, he will then shotgun another beer.
- If Chris Berman is talking and almost runs out of breath near the end of his sentence, the largest person watching the Derby must drink 5 seconds and do 5 pushups. Seconds and pushups go up by 5 for every instance after that.
- After a batter is finished and the ball boy runs up to him with a Gatorade/Powerade, all women must drink if the color of the drink is red, Orange, or pink. All men must drink if the color is blue, purple, green. But if the drink is the light purple Riptide Rush, for Gatorade or the White Cherry flavor for Powerade, all must drink because those two flavors are too good not to have every one drink.
- If a player hits a ground ball in the infield, everyone does a waterfall. The order of the waterfall is alphabetical by name with A starting and Z ending.
- If a player hits a buzzer beater home run, a game of categories will start. The loser of the game will have to go outside and do a suicide drill. The length of each leg will be determined by the host.
- Anytime you see a grown ass man with a glove on, social drink for 10 seconds. We need to unite and show that not all men are douche bags like the one shown.
- If one of the kids catching balls in the outfield takes on off the head or chest, pour one out for the little one then kill your beer.
- During any batters 5 minute time period, “Power Hour” Rules apply. After the passing of each minute all players must drink. Drink Two seconds once the Derby moves to the second round, and three seconds for the final round.
- If the Famous Cincinnati Flying Pigs are mentioned or shown, all players must drop a shot glass of bacon grease in a glass of beer and chug it, Irish Car Bomb style. If the mention or sight of the Flying Pigs happens before, during, or directly after Prince Fielders 1st round at bat, this must be done twice by all players. (We recommend having at least two pounds ready for frying at anytime during the derby).
- If the late former owner of the Reds Marge Schott is mentioned or shown, any player who smokes cigarettes/cigars/weed must do a strikeout. Take a big drag off of what ever your smoking vice is, then chug a beer, then take a shot and then exhale the smoke.
- As this is a seeded tournament and will follow the usual 1 vs 8, 2 vs 7, 3 vs 6, etc… after each game is completed all players must drink the number of the winning players seed. (If Prince Fielder wins, drink 7 seconds, if Todd Frasier wins drink 2 seconds)
- If a drinker can drink the same number of beers that a player hits home runs in a five minute period, and that players home run total is the highest of the tournament, each drinker must individually cover that players bar tab, once, over the next 6 months because goddamn.