Tonight, the third installment of the awfully fantastic Sharknado franchise will be released on SyFy. For the third — and perhaps last time — Fin and April will battle the shark storm as it terrorizes the eastern seaboard. Sharknado 3: OH HELL NO! will at, its best be like Christmas for Twitter and at it’s worst be like Christmas for Twitter.
I’m basically telling you that plopping down to watch it is a win-win situation. What on Earth could make this cinematic masterpiece better?
Glad you asked.
How about a drinking game because, well, that’s what we do here.
Get your swimmies and buckle up.
All cameos should be screamed out and the player(s) who dont recognize, know, or remember the person have to drink 2 seconds, and be berated by all other players for not knowing their pop culture.
All players drink a social when a cameo is killed.
Bo Derek – When Bo Derek’s character is introduced, the hottest girl playing or the “Perfect 10” has to drink 10 seconds. This player will have to drink 10 seconds again if her character dies. If the hottest girl in the bar can not be immediately identified or other players have differing opinions a vote should be held to determine a winner.
Frankie Muniz – Stay with me here. He played Malcolm on Malcolm in The Middle. His dad on the show was Bryan Cranston. Cranston made and sold blue meth in his other show Breaking Bad. When Frankie’s character is introduced, any middle child playing the game has to smoke a hit of meth.
Kidding, but any middle child has to take a shot of Blue Cuaricao. Repeat when his character dies.
David Hasselhoff – All players drinking German beer must kill their beer whenever he is introduced. Any player who has ever been a lifeguard or is wearing shorts has to drink when ever he swims, is on a beach, or kills a shark.
Holly Madison – When she is shown, the male and female with the largest boobs have to drink 4 seconds.
Chris Jericho – All blonde hair players kill their drink when he is shown/introduced.
Jerry Springer – All players who wearing glasses or contacts pass out 5 seconds. Any player who has had Lasik surgery has to kill their beer while all players chant “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry’.
Ryan Newman and Brad Keselowski – When the NASCAR stars are shown, all players compete in a race around the house/bar and chugging contest. Winner gets to scream “Shake and Bake” in everyones face for the remainder of the movie.
Ryan Kerrigan – When the NFL player and former Purdue Boilermaker is introduced, any players who played high school or college football have to chug a Boilermaker.
Penn Jillette and Teller – When the magicians are shown, Make your drink disappear! Kill it!
Kathy Lee and Hoda – When shown any players drinking wine finish their drink. When they’re killed, the players drinking wine get to pour a glass of wine over another players head… or they can choose a player to drink a full glass of wine if there happens to be a carpeting concern with dumping it on someone.
Anthony Weiner – If any player has a “dick pic” currently on their mobile device, you get to pass out 7 seconds. Proof must be shown to before being allowed to pass out the drinks.
Chris Kirkpatrick – When the N’SYNC singer is shown all players do a waterfall. Scream “Bye Bye Bye” as you finish.
Tara Reid and Ian Ziering Rules
If Tara Reid attaches any weapon to her bitten off hand from the sequel, any player wearing rings get to pass out 5 seconds.
If Ian Ziering is wearing a shark tooth necklace, All players drink.
If Ian Ziering kills a shark with a chainsaw, All players drink.
If Tara Reid does that thing where she opens her eyes wider and turns her head to act surprised or shocked, all players drink.
Whenever either screams another characters name, all players drink.
If either crys, all players do a water fall.
If their characters kiss, all players currently single kill their beer.
If either character is bitten or killed, all players shotgun a beer.
A singular non-fatal bite is a social, all players drink.
If any extremity on the left side (hand, arm, leg, foot) is bitten off, all left handed players get to pass out 3 seconds. Vice versa for right handed players and the right extremities. While players are drinking for this rule they also cannot use the appendage that was lost in the movie. So drink with your arm tucked in shirt or standing on one leg.
If at any time a player claims to be ambidextrous, they are clearly an asshole and they are now the asshole and have to do whatever they’re told for the remainder of the movie.
If an arm or leg is lost and a player in the game has actually also lost that arm or leg in real life, that player gets to pass out 25 seconds.
If a character is bitten in half, legs or torso, all players kill half of your drink
If a character is swallowed whole, kill you drink
If a characters head is bitten off, all players take a shot
The Open Water – Any shark that kills a character in the ocean, all players drink.
The Land Shark – Any shark that kills a character while the shark is on dry land, the first person to scream out a Jimmy Buffet song gets to pass out 6 seconds.
The Air Jaws – Any shark that kills a character jumping up from and out of the water, All players drink but you have to pour your drink in to your mouth. There has to be a minimum of 6 inches between your lips and the cup/glass/bottle you are drinking from.
The Shark Belly Flop – Any shark falling from the sky and landing on a character, the fattest person playing has to drink 3 seconds and sit on another players lap while doing so.
The Human Activity Shark – Any shark that is seen doing a human activity, all players drink. (Shark inside a car, in a boat, in a plane, a shark going down a water slide, a shark riding a skateboard anything like that).
Stabbing kill – If a character stabs a shark to death, All players Shotgun a beer.
Power Tool Kill – If a character uses a chainsaw, drill, or any other power tool to kill a shark, All players do a waterfall. (This rule will get more character specific later on).
Gun Kill – For every shark shot with a gun to death, All players drink. But these kills must be kept track of. Once the 15th shark is killed by gun, All Players take a shot. (Then repeated on the 30th, 45th, 60th kill etc..)
When ever a tornado is shown destroying a recognizable monument or structure (The Lincoln Memorial or The Universal Studios Globe) the first player to scream out the name of the thing being destroyed, gets to pass out 5 seconds. If that same player gets 3 of these in a row correct, that player should be told to calm the hell down, and possibly quit the game all together, sober up, and drive every one home for being such a nerd.
If a Tornado takes out something causing a fiery explosion, All players take a shot of fireball.
At any point a character(s) is sucked up into the tornado, All players must spin around 5 times and take a shot, but that shot must be drank from a straw.
When ever a witty one liner/ catchphrase is spoken, players of that characters gender drink 2 seconds.
The first player to scream out a product placement gets to pass out 3 seconds.
I think that should get you sufficiently shitmouthed. If you are going to attempt this, let us know on Twitter! Also, if you’re going to attempt this, here are two tips:
1.) Be careful, idiot.
B.) DVR the movie. No chance you remember it.