I have been called “Festival Mom” by this big dumb idiot. It’s basically because if you’re at a festival and something happens and you need a particular product, chances are I have it in my bag. It’s not by accident, after attending Lollapalooza in 2011 and getting stuck in the middle of downpour, I realized I needed to step my game up and be prepared for anything.
Thank God for that 20th anniversary of Lolla because otherwise, we would have never made it through the tropical storm (literally) at Governor’s Ball in 2013.
Since then, every time I travel to a music festival like Bunbury this weekend in Cincinnati, I make sure to hit up Target and get the essentials to make sure everyone I’m with has an amazing time. Here’s my list of must-haves for my bag. All of this was less than $25.
I can’t begin to explain how much this helps with basically everything when it’s 95 degrees outside. Also, if you’re wearing shoes with no socks, this can be a life saver.
You don’t have to use them in the bathroom. In fact, I don’t think I ever have. These are fantastic for a clean up after a meal or a spill. If it rains, these can be an absolute Godsend to combat the mud. Plus women are always super impressed and greatful if you have these. Always.
Port-o-potties dude. Biggest no brainer in the world, yet people always forget. Make sure to get one that can easily be attached to the outside of your bag. Easy access for everyone that wants to be clean. Grab a couple extras as these are popular and cheap.
Because everyone should tie a do-rag on their head like Tupac at some point in their lives. Also, if dust kicks up, you’ll love looking like a bandit. Hell, even if dust doesn’t kick up, where that shit around your face, bro.
First Aid Kit
Nothing huge, just a small kit that has some bandaids and some pain reliever in it. Doesn’t take up much room, but it can help you the F out in a jam. Remember, lots of walking leaves you susceptible to blisters.
I don’t wear contacts, but a lot of my friends do. Odds are, one of them is going to have a fight with their contacts and for a couple bucks, why not make their lives a little easier?
95 degrees. Dancing. Do the math. Also, get a couple because these little guys tend to crack.
Mini Spray Bottle
This small 3 oz. bottles will be your fishing pole. You fill this with some water and you instantly have what we like to refer to as “The Cool Zone.” You know who loves The Cool Zone? Every red-blooded female in America. Be prepared to answer the “what the hell was that?” question a lot, too. For some reason when you spray cool water on a person at music festival they think you have either drugged them or poisoned them.
Not just one pair. Multiple pairs with awesome color lenses. Don’t spend you weekend squinting at the babe in the high-wasted Daisy Dukes. Enjoy that shit from the comfort of polarized lenses. Do yourself a favor and leave your most expensive pair at home.
Skin cancer isn’t cool, brah. But sometimes, the mean security assholes will make you dump it before going in. If that’s the case, make sure to fully apply right in front of them. I’m telling you to spray them in the face.
Ponchos are at Target for $0.42. I promise if you buy a handful of these, you will meet your future wife.
Don’t buy these. Steal these from your hotel. Then save women’s lives with them.
If you want to throw in another $80, this lay bag looks like it could make you the most popular person at the festival. Odds are, since it’s sweet, they will ban them sooner rather than later. That’s all I got for you this summer. See you at Bunbury, bitches.